#20 Substituting the Word “Stupid” with “Gay” or “Retarded”

I could launch into a whole thing like “what, are you saying gay people are stupid?” or “how would you feel if you were retarded and people said that about you?” You know, the kinds of things that moms say.

Well, I’m not a mom, and I still think it’s wrong. This trend was started by some narrow-minded little punk whose sole purpose in life is to try to make his friends/followers laugh. He wants to assert his superiority by putting down anything that is remotely different; targeting things that he believes to be weak.

Here’s a message for those people:

It doesn’t make you sound cool.

It’s offensive.

Stop doing it.

‘Nuf said.

 

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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#19 That Kid Who Asks the Teacher If There’s Homework

Thanks buddy, we owe you one.

And by “one,” I mean one swift kick in the groin.

After an entire lesson of staring listlessly at the chalkboard (all the while stealing sidelong glances at the clock, counting down the minutes), finally freedom approaches. We’re in the home stretch, we can see the end…then we trip at the finish line. Or more correctly, the race was sabotaged.

Thanks to you, class overachiever, all of our fantasies of running around the neighborhood playing Hide and Seek and Red Rover fall spectacularly to pieces as you suddenly remind our wonderful teacher that they have forgotten to assign homework.

“Alright class, we’ll end there for today…Have a good weekend!”

“Wait…Do we have homework?”

Collective groan and simultaneous death stare.

Our little teacher’s pet shrinks in their seat, but it’s too late–the damage is done. A reading assignment here, a few math problems there. These seemingly small things effectively seal their fate.

This kid is inevitably in for a rough gym class–several dodgeballs thrown mercilessly, violating the head-safety rule. They will surely develop into the selfsame monster, that, in high school and college, positively destroys a test curve, skewing the average and crippling our hopes for a good grade.

Let me ask you, Teacher’s Pet, was that extra math assignment worth everybody else hating your guts? And . . .

Do you feel lucky?

 

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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#18 Weak Showers

It’s like trying to wash your hair in the rain.

Nothing is worse than stepping into a shower and discovering that the water pressure is weaker than your grandma (no offense, Nana).

How is it possible that in this day and age, where you can watch an episode of Entourage off of an iPod the size of a stick of gum, that a shower can still perform so badly?

The slow trickle of tepid water coming from your shower head is no security for the fact that you’re just standing there——–naked. It’s super uncomfortable, and frankly, quite cold.

You don’t even feel clean afterwards, it’s like taking a bath…only it isn’t soothing and relaxing.

So, good luck getting all of the shampoo out of your hair…you’ll need it.

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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#17 Crunchy Cookies

With the very important exceptions of biscotti and animal crackers, let’s face it: the best kinds of cookies are soft.

First of all, you know they’re fresh (and not some year-old batch that has been hiding in the back of the cupboard). No hint of freezer burn or “hey are those green m&m’s” moments. It’s a good feeling.

They’re also just easier to eat, overall. Less chewing, and you don’t have to worry about little bruises in your mouth as you would when you chomp down on that jawbreaker-of-a-cookie. No crumbs, and the cookie won’t fall apart in your hand like a puzzle with the removal of one piece.

Crunchy cookies are either old, overcooked, or from a box (Chips Ahoy just don’t cut it, people. Oreos are acceptable however). And they’re impersonal.

Yes, there’s nothing better than those warm, soft, chocolatey cookies straight from the oven.

So, take note. And stop making crunchy cookies.

 

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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#16 Those Guys That Are In All Of Adam Sandler’s Movies

Sometimes they’re cast as his friends, other times they play the crazy homeless guy in Big Daddy or the shoeless caddy in Happy Gilmore. No matter what character they play, it’s those same guys.

It might take a second to recognize them, and you will never know their names (with the possible exception of Rob Schneider, who had the major breakout role of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo).

Sure, I guess it’s nice that Adam Sandler lets his friends piggyback off of his fame. But let’s be honest…these guys can’t act.

The fake accents are terrible. Mostly they exist to set up Sandler, who takes the bait with a punchy one-liner.

The annoying part is the fact that once you spot these guys in the movie, it doesn’t seem like a real production. It’s almost like Sandler is in high school and is making a movie on a camcorder with his friends, complete with second-rate costumes.

And don’t even get me started on The Waterboy.

 

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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#15 Parallel Parking in a Pressure Situation

Maybe you’re late for a movie.

Perhaps your judgmental mother-in-law is accompanying you to a torturous, one-on-one lunch in a fancy restaurant.

Or maybe you just happen to find that perfect parking spot on a busy Friday night, and there’s a never-ending line of cars waiting not-so-patiently behind you.

Whatever it is, this is one of those times where you had better cut the wheel at the exact, correct angle or it’s gonna be really embarrassing.

You think back to when you were 16 years old, taking your driver’s license test after waiting for an hour at the DMV…what was the method again? Line up the cars, cut the wheel when it is past the mirror? AM I GONNA HIT THE CURB???

*thud*

Your face turns red, and you behave like you’re genuinely surprised that curbs exist, as if they just invented them; “Wha…where did that…wasn’t there before…must have cut too soon…”

The only thing that can make this situation worse is the people that try and help you–sometimes these people are in the car with you, even worse, sometimes they’re pedestrians. The 65-year-old man in the Cabela’s baseball cap starts making wide, sweeping arm gestures and humorously barks orders as you shrivel in humiliation: “Alright now back up. Keep going, keep going, STOP! Now go forward, STOP! Cut the wheel, go back, STOP! There ya go, champ! Finally, I thought we’d be here all night!”

Once you’re legally in the spot, it doesn’t matter how far from the curb you are, you just want to get out of the car. You’ve begun to sweat already, and you might even be shaking a little.

Shake it off, you’ll get it next time, champ.

 

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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#14 Bikers On The Road

Look.

I understand that there are laws against riding on the sidewalk.

I acknowledge the fact that biking is, in fact, better for the environment than gas-guzzling SUVs.

I am even willing to look past the fact that those yellow spandex wanna-be-Lance-Armstrong biker shorts that you’re wearing look ridiculous.

The fact of the matter is, YOU’RE BLOCKING THE ROAD. No matter how good of shape you might be in, you will never go as fast as the cars around you. Therefore, you are a hindrance to the flow of traffic. In fact, most of the time you’re a danger to yourself and those driving around you.

And while I’m on it, if you ARE a biker in the road, then you had better be following traffic rules like the rest of us, mister. No Turn On Red means NO FREAKING TURN ON RED EVER. That stop sign ain’t just for show. And if I can’t weave in and out of cars on a one-lane street, neither can you.

Two measly wheels and a handlebar do not qualify you for superhero status.

So, do us all a favor, and save the spandex for halloween.

 

SPF,

Ginger Rage

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